I have so many things to write about and I don't know which to start first. The exciting things I am going to do setting up my etsy shop... What kinda crafts I have done or planned... What vegetables I am currently planting... Our family trip to the park connectors which is suppose to happen today... My loveable bunnies and their silly antics... What kind of recipes I wanna try out... But... I did not expect my first blog to be something so heart wrenching... At least for me...
My Baby... My first child... My male bunny, Stew... Has left me suddenly yesterday night. On 15th November 2008 at about 9pm. He left me to be in Bunny Heaven. To be at a better place with no pain and no illness. If only I knew that his illness is so serious.
It all happened two weeks ago, he lost his appetite and started eating very little and has tiny tiny poo which is a bad sign. I sent him to the vet who diagnosed GI Stasis and gave me some medication to feed him twice a day. I did so religiously but after two weeks he still only eats very little so I brought him back to the vet for follow up treatment on Friday. We did an x-ray and blood test and find that there is some obstruction in his tummy and that he has bladder problems and this had led to liver problem (hepatic lipidosis). The doctor suggested that I bring him back everyday on Saturday. Sunday and Monday for further treatment and if by Monday he is still not well, he will be hospitalised at the clinic. I said ok. On Saturday morning, he refused to eat so I had to force feed him. I even went out a few times to get a suitable sryinge to feed him with and bought bananas, apples, wheatgrass and mint. All to mash up for easy feeding.
My dad, cousin and me proceed to forcefeed and he ate most of the stuff we gave and even peed and pooed small poos and we were very happy about it. I brought him to the vet for further treatment at 4pm and at 7pm when we got home, he was not himself. He tried to move but he was not able to lift his head. I quickly called a rabbit savvy friend who say maybe he has heatstroke because we did not go home straight but went to the supermarket to get veges and some grocery for him and everyone else. At 8.30pm I called the vet and she said it could be serious and we rushed him to the vet on emergency. It will cost me $200 but I am thinking it is ok. I have already spent about $250 on the other bills so I thot what the heck as long as he gets better I don;t mind going without buying stuff for a long long time.
On the way to the vet in his carrier, he tried to move and I was soothing him with my hands inside the carrier. At his last moments, he struggled up as his face was facing the back of the carrier. He turned over, came to me, lied on my arms and stomach. There was a little convulsion and he is gone...
My Baby... Even in his last moments he wants to comfort me. To love me and let me love him till the end. I called his name because deep in my heart I know he is gone but I do not want to accept it. I want to think that he has fainted and will be ok at the vet. I called his name but there is no response and I could feel that there is no hearbeat. I started to cry and my cousin cried too.
I have thought about this many times, how will I feel if one day I woke up and find his body cold and hard in his cage or on the floor. How will I feel. Can I accept it? I have played this scene many times over in my head. I am ready for it. He is already 6 and a half years old. Something like old age for rabbits. I told myself that we have many happy memories. He is lucky to be my pet and I have treated him as well as can be. I told myself that if someone else had bought him at the pet shop that day, he could have been abandoned or killed. He had a good life and when it is time to go, I will let him go. I will be comforted that I have given a rabbit a chance for a good life and I have done my job very well. But when it really happened...
I cannot accept it. I want him back. I cannot let him go... Not yet. I know he is unwell but I did not think it is critical. He was still jumpy in the morning, refusing to get into the bag to go to the vet. So many what ifs came into my mind. What if I had sent him to the vet as soon as I got home and realised he is unwell. What if I have brought him straight home from the vet rather than going to the grocery store. What if I had send him to the vet 1 week after the first treatment rather than 2 weeks like the vet told me to. What if I had massaged him right after his death coz the vet asked me long has he passed, and started massaging him. Will I have prevented this. Will he have gotten better. I feel guilty yet relieved. Guilty for the thousand what ifs and relieved that at last he has left the suffering and have gone to a better place. If only he had exhibited more suffering instead of being his goofy self, I would have rushed him to the vet even in the middle of the night.
My Baby... He has not lived to eat the veges I have planted for him. I have planted before and this is the second time and it is also this time that I have planted parsley and dandelion (the ever elusive plant I have been trying to plant but never succeeding). He has not lived to participate the in the Christmas party we planned this year. Every year there will be extra strawberries for him. He will never use the bag I made to carry him so that it is easier to force feed him without him falling. My baby... Even in his last moments he comforted me. He wants to tell me that he loves me and that I have done what I can by struggling and lying in my arms... By saving further medical bills which he knows I will struggle to pay.
But my Baby... Mummy don't mind... Mummy just want you to be healthy and happy. Mummy loves you more than anything else even more than herself. Mummy wish that you will happy in Bunny Heaven. That you will be healthy and content and that there will be someone to take care of you there. Bye bye my Baby...
My Baby the first week after I got him
My Baby at last. I am hugging his body goodbye. I know it is morbid but I cannot let go. I don't want to let him be alone in the clinic, in the fridge where he waits to be taken for cremation on Monday. Mummy love you Baobei.
Although I cannot accept it yet... I am surprised how fast logic thinking takes over from my emotions... Even before reaching the clinic, before the vet confirms that my Baby is indeed gone, I begin to plan how I must comfort my other rabbit Morticia when I get home. She has been Stew's companion ever since I got her and she will feel very lost without him. She is very angry I did not bring him back and has been circling the room to find him at night. I will take care of you better my princess. Mummy promise you. Please don't be angry with Mummy. Mummy tried her best but she could not save korkor... I'm sorry...
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